I haven’t made a post on here in a while. Whenever I had the idea of starting this “blog”, I wanted to share my experiences with OCD. Maybe sharing some of what I go through will help me with the pain I feel. Even just a little.

Yesterday was pretty difficult for me with OCD. I have tried so hard to pull my life back together, and when working through so many compulsions. It can be hard. No one understands what a task. No matter how small. Can actually entail for a person with OCD.

I had scheduled to renew my ACLS and BLS certifications for work. (I work as a nurse). And had planned specifically surrounding the date that I would be renewing — knowing that this date would be printed on my card.

Numbers are an interesting obsession. But it’s truly just associations + consequences. Most numbers have an association / (fear) “attached” to them at this point. But the number 6. It is what my mind tells me will keep me “safe”. This paired with emotional contamination is difficult. As it has turned into a very sick, backwards game. Because 6 is “good” or “safe” — I cannot use it at all. Out of fear that if I do, I will risk “contaminating” it.

I don’t know how I managed to do this. Honestly. And I don’t even want to relate it to the stress of my OCD, as it truly was just a mistake. But yesterday (Thursday 19th) – I went to check to see what time my class started. Thinking it was today (Friday 18th). And I realized that I missed it. That it was from 8-12 that morning. I even scheduled my therapy appointment today at 3. Again. Thinking the class was on the 18th.

The sick feeling I felt when I realized I had made this mistake. The absolute worst. Immediately I jumped up, and drove to work to reschedule the renewals. Again, as they expire this month (in like 10 days!) and I missed both of them. (Wow, I hate myself sometimes).

Ok. So here’s where OCD really comes in. Thankfully there is an opening for an ACLS class next week. I can renew my BLS at the same time. BUT. Here’s the catch. It’s on the 24th.

6 is such an obsession for me that it infiltrates (most) of what I do. 24= 2+4= 6. This, thus = “bad” in the eyes of my OCD. An absolute do not use. Do not forward. Etc. And an easy way to become very, very, obsessed.

The only other class is September 5th. That date is good. 9 + 5 = 14 = 5. 5 is “iffy”, as 5 technically is before 6, and because the numbers are “touching”. Again, I risk contaminating 6. And thus, not being “safe”.

I’ve felt sick ever since all of this happened. I slept all day yesterday until 9pm because it just is not right. And I can’t stop obsessing about the fact that, (unless I think of a solution), 24 will be printed on a permanent card that I cannot “correct” for (2!!) years. Although, now that I’m typing this. It will be printed on both. Which, potentially could mean that they “cancel” each other out.

Wtf, OCD.

Anyways. You know that absolutely sick, pressured, weighted feeling of obsession that will NOT go away until you get the compulsions 😘👌🏼 *right* 😘👌🏼

Lol. Yeah.

I have that. X 1000000 right now. And I’m drowning.

My mind is desperate for a solution. Thoughts like:

– Ok, don’t eat on any day with a 2, 4, or a 6 — and you will be able to keep the number “safe”. A “sacrifice” if you will (joking??). I can’t explain how numbers tie into weight. But yeah, they do. Another fave core fear of mine is weight gain. Which somehow (??) i prevent through things like numbers, and crisp edges on boxes, and wearing clothes that are so oversized on me that they are falling off (because if I buy my actual size I’ll become “trapped” (again, .. ?????), and I’ll gain weight? Lol. Whatever.

– Take the courses again. Before the renewal date. On a “good” date. To “correct” it — and have the “safe” or “ok” date printed on the card. Although now I’m having the thought that the new card would trap 24 below it ((6)) and THEN I’d still have this trapped, pressured feeing. And I’d gain weight.

((I just heard a noise. Twice (Fml. I ruined the number 2 and need to hear it again??). And OCD is saying I need to stop writing because this is all becoming contaminated?? / affecting what I say? Anyone else experience that? Interruptions (especially contaminated sounds, encounters, etc — making you feel like it has altered your path entirely?) because technically hearing that sound, yes, just altered the outcome of what I’m writing. Anyone?? No??

– OCD’s next option: “don’t eat for a week post certification to create space and prevent contamination”. Lol. I’m sorry. Who do you think I am?? That one is just rude.

And of course so many others .. but wow, I type a lot. So not adding them now. You get the gist .. just an attempt at seeking control over the fear and most importantly correcting that ever dreaded feeling in my head that has not gone away for years ❤️ x freaking o

Current OCD update: (because no one asked)

– Am surrounded by trash. What’s new. Thought object fusion for the win. Although I threw away 3 bags of trash yesterday. And it only took ~ 15 min (Fml that’s 6), to step correctly and count and not use my left hand and look at all the corners of the rooms correctly. (And, and, and). To get them into the garage. That was an obsession too. 3 bags = 3 sets of 2 handles. Which, *shocker*, = 6. I pushed through though, lol *bowing emoji that doesn’t exist*

– I go to sessions with my mom 1x a week. Which. Is great since I couldn’t go around her at all before. I still struggle to text. If texting my mom — I te x t li k e th i s — because I count the letters in the words. And technically even that I couldn’t send, because te + li + th = (!!!!!) 6

– I work 2 days a week, and allot for adequate time in between shifts to cope / therapy / etc

– Lately have been having a hard time with bedding contamination. This is like my 3rd set of new sheets? Ironically the washer = bad, but only with bedding? And all of my clothes and sheets that are “contaminated” are literally lined up down the hall. Also my suitcase from early July OCD conference is still not unpacked. But I could write an entire post about just that topic and the OCD related to that. So. ??

– There is still a barrier (curtain, but I’m embarrassed to say that because it’s (embarrassing) and I feel like my OCD ruins others lives) in the living room so I can walk in front door, LR, and bedroom. Otherwise I spend all my time (not by choice, I’m trying my best) in my bedroom as I have a very difficult time going around people

– My temporary license plate is expired x 8 months?? Literally got it last Dec. idk I didn’t do the math. But I ~ still ~ haven’t renewed it because of my obsession with numbers, fear of contaminating / ruining my car. You get it

– Hoarding. Enough said

– OCD walk is next month, and working to get everything done for that.

– Applying to grad school (again), as I am hoping to do an online program

Etc, etc, etc, etc

What are my goals:

Goals right now are to get better at throwing items away (such a difficult compulsion for me), to get my license plate on my car, to get everything together for the walk in Sept, to renew my ACLS, BLS, *and* my nursing license. But then they will all be renewed for 2 years. (Great obsessing over 24 again). And to figure out how to cope / work through the fear of people / person that stops me from. Well. Living life.

I have so much I could say on what works for me. And want to leave this on a positive note, that embraces recovery. But I swear I’ve been typing for 25 min. And honestly, I doubt anyone will ever read all the way to the bottom of this (if they do at all).

But this was a fun attempt at depicting even the slightest bit of what 5 min ( 5!!6!!7 ) of OCD is like for me. Next time maybe I’ll explain the fun that is getting in / out of my car correctly 🤩

Ily. And I hope to anyone who is reading this that is suffering from OCD. That you know how strong and loved you are. OCD is so painful, but I know we will overcome these thoughts. And when I fully and genuinely do. I can’t wait to share what works / worked for me 🧡 also. Go get your pumpkin iced coffee!! And throw away your cup blissfully, and easily for me. It’s officially time again 🎃

– Mackenzie